Inheriting the Earth

Some months back, I wrote a post about how the Internet was increasingly populated by bullies who thought nothing of exploiting any opportunity to belittle or deride other people on the net. With most people choosing to join the pack instead of standing up for their thoughts and ideas, the internet is quickly becoming a cauldron of hate filled trouble rousers with sharp opinions on most topics and a reluctance to allow others to display contrarian opinions.

There are a lot of trolls who choose to make snide remarks or comments aimed at mocking the other person’s simplicity. Even I have at times been guilty of this sin. But for many people, it starts from being a simple game aimed at irritating others  to becoming a part of their personality and they are unable to transform themselves from an online bully/ showing a superiority complex. For such people, being a troll/bully is sometimes their only achievement and their success in destroying other’s happiness or contentment , their source of satisfaction.

But every once in a while, one meets that rare soul who redeems our belief in human faith. A person who chooses to offer comfort or support when one needs it most, instead of trolling the person with snide remarks or trying to show one’s intellectual superiority.One who chooses to listen instead of interjecting with a comment and who understands you better than a lot of real life friends. I am proud to know one such person, named @desikhichdi on Twitter. For a person, who hardly has known me for more than a year on a social media channel, she has given me one of the best gifts I have received in a lifetime. It is not so much the financial value of the gift which shook me, as the understanding of a fellow reader who knew that I would need a book light for reading at night.

Equally amazing is that many people help or suggest ideas out of their free will. If one places a request on a social media site, one finds random strangers providing advice or suggestions without any expectation of any returns. Its almost like the concept of the Good Samaritan brought to an online channel and that brings hope that there is still some goodness left in the online world.

There is great scope for good in social media ( be it the help provided during the Mumbai Blasts or to random strangers ) or even campaigns aimed at promoting social awareness. However a lot of it is overshadowed by the raw emotions and blatant jingo-ism shown by many people, let along the attempts of some who think they are elite and try to indulge in intellectual masturbation online. But a few people like @desikhichdi and @BziB give me hope that there are still good people fighting to maintain an atmosphere of civility and decency.

iPeace

Now that we have lost the cricket series comprehensively ( with Choona companies now saying ” India Australia series jaise whitewash ki safedi” ), our junta can turn to more important issues like why SRK slapped one serious fellow. With people going into Kantaap mode every few hours,it is not impossible that soon enough we will have Flash Mobs meeting Slapgate where random people start a flash mob but beat each other up instead of actually dancing to Why This Kolaveri Di?

The Tablet for world peace

Now the greatest unifying factor in the modern world, be it across India, Pakistan , North and South Korea or even China, is Angry Birds. Preferably played on a Tablet. The perfect way for Jobs(dead or otherwise) to really show up Bill Gates after Gates has donated most of his money to charity, is to airdrop a million iPads in all points of conflict and charge the proceeds to the US Government who is anyways so indebted that a few billion added to that amazing mountain of debt, wont really hurt them. For the finishing touch, Apple should sue Samsung for not supplying tablets free to these countries, specially North Korea where they will be asked to play Farmville, considering they have no food to eat .

To promote peace in our country, we need to change some systems. For example, instead of providing voters with 1 plate Biryani and 1 bottle cheap rotgut desi whisky, political parties must unite to provide Sodexho coupons to voters, which can then be reclaimed against the food item the voter wants. Not only does this promote more choice, it guarantees that our country will not require black money as much as we will need Sodexho coupons.

Last but not the least, we also need to ensure that the future of our country aka reality shows are improved. For this, the best solution is to create a new reality show with Nirmohi Akhara having a 33 % reservation , 33 % reservation for any community which chooses to go on the warpath in the particular month and a 33 % reservation for folks who quote Deepak Chopra or Paulo Coelho. This reality show will require contestants to hurl choicest cliches at each other, ripping quotations from our holy books, self help authors and if necessary, great sources of philosophical thought such as Peanuts, Hustler and Penthouse. The judges for this cliche contest will be Chetan Bhagat, Ravi Shastri and Manmohan Singh.

P.S: I am not joking about the US Government Debt. look at the infographic at this site  if you dont believe me.

P.P.S: original idea came from a discussion with worlfamous @thecomicproject

Luck by Chance

In Bangalore , while walking on the roads, one may frequently see a small stand selling some secondhand books. The easiest way to identify the book crazy fanatics are the ones who leave the Chetan Bhagat, the Deepak Chopra books and rummage through the older second hand books on the offhand chance of finding that elusive book which they have been searching for a long time. Even with the ability to buy it firsthand off Amazon or Flipkart, the average fanatical reader will rummage through dozens of such sales, not just in Bangalore but in most of the other cities of our country.

Second Hand Books - A heap of unknown treasures

What I really remember about such places, be it Daryaganj in Delhi, College Street in Kolkata or Moor Market ( once upon a time ) in Chennai, was the atmosphere. As a kid, I recall that odd smell – a mix of old books, food and sweat as people bargained with traders over a 10 bucks to get that book or textbook they were searching for. At one end, you had a stack of Reader’s Digest issues sorted with a bunch of Competition Success Review magazines and Malayalam Manorama. Frequently, we would find a book which we had never expected to find of. Sometimes, we were even luckier to glance across an author we had never read before, but who opened the doors to a new series of books.

With Amazon,Flipkart, Apple iBooks and other online commerce sites, I do not get that opportunity to get lucky. Without a clear idea of the author or the book, searching through the huge database is meaningless and tiring. What makes it worse is that unlike the bookstores , where you have fellow readers or bookstore owners to provide suggestions , here one is left to trawl the huge corridors of cyberspace, hoping to find something which catches your eye. Even if one does find such a book online, it rarely matches the joy of finding it in a bookstore and bargaining for a deal.

To end, I will just leave you with this beautiful time lapse video,

Darkening Sky

“Thunderstorm warning for all fishermen”,blared the old radio on the boat. S shut it off, wondering as to how such ill omens came up just as he was about to cast off on his quest. He saw his father come over, an older, wiser and far more weathered man who had seen the excesses of communism and the corruption of capitalism. The debate went on the same lines - was it not better to be content searching closer to shore or just fishing instead of leaving for the deep seas in quest of the unknown treasure ?
But for S, it was not about risk. It was about waking up some day 20 years later with the thought that he could have tried for the treasure but had not. He would prefer living without regrets rather than take the easy way out. He had this small window of opportunity where he could live his dreams before he would have to give up dangerous journeys and leading a selfish life. This was possibly that last one adventure he would get to have.
With a final prayer on his lips , S cast off the final rope tying his boat ” Hope “  to the stone quay. As the quay receded in the distance and the boat headed deeper towards the looming storm, S had a slight moment of apprehension and self doubt . But he shrugged it off and went forward with his plans .
For the first few hours , life was hectic and busy. But slowly , self doubts and criticism started eating into him slowly , like ants mounting an attack on a bowl of sugar.The questions his Dad had asked him bounced around his head like basketballs in a closed box .  Each time, they ate away slowly at his confidence and at his skills and his boat sank a bit more into the seas.
Sometimes, he thought he had found the treasure. Then he would make a dive into the depths of the wrecks sublime . More often than not, he found skeletons or a treasure different from the one he was looking for. Once in a rare while , he would find traces, hints to the possibility of a glorious treasure but the hints, the guidelines and the routes often led to dead ends and pointless labyrinths.
Each minute, the sky darkened a bit deeper and the waves grew choppier as the storm approached closer . But he stuck on his course. Because it was no longer about a life without regrets, it was about a life which he could spend looking back at himself in the mirror. And because every stormy night ends.Sometimes with a bright sunrise , sometimes with a thin silver line. But end it must. That is the only belief which sustains him through the long stormy night .

Much Ado about FDI

Our Parliament is all up in arms against FDI in the retail space , with Uma Bharti screaming as if she is one of the bad guys in a Guddu Dhanoa movie. However , all this outrage is meaningless as influx of 100 % FDI into Indian retail might change the landscape but to the benefit of both customers and retailers.

Currently the Indian Retail Industry is suffering from multiple problems  - abundance of malls, inability to convert footfalls into customers and inability to maintain decent cash flow from operations. With large loans on their balance sheets, these firms have not been helped by their inability to maintain costs while scaling operations properly.Add to this the absence of a proper supply chain system in many retail chains, along with lack of data mining or data analysis to identify consumer trends and we have a retail system which fails to identify what customers want and their basic problems with the system.

The introduction of 100 % FDI should bring in some positive benefits to the retail sector. We will probably find greater professionalism when it comes to setting up retail chains and systems with improvements in supply chain and operations , leading to lower costs in the long run. Introduction of foreign retail chains will also force Indian firms to shore up or get out which will bring in consolidation in the retail sector , hopefully eliminating a large number of the underperforming retail chains .

The problems that the large foreign chains will face is simply two : a) Space Availability b) adjustment to the Indian customer mentality. Unlike in First world countries where people usually drive to malls like Walmart / Sam’ s Club or Metro which is miles away from their home, here the malls will have to closer to the actual customer. This implies significant investment in real estate/ buying up existing kirana stores / small supermarkets and utilizing that space. Further, companies like Walmart / Carrefour which invest heavily in warehousing and other supply chain operations will have to remember to consider both restrictions placed by the government as well as the requirement for significant investment in warehousing systems, which are hitherto absent in India.

The bigger problem for the major retail chains will be adjusting to the Indian customer mentality. The indian customer already gets a lot of his products through local contacts such as the local subziwala , the kirana store who delivers to his house and so on. Retail chains will have to provide value added services/ significant cost differential to get the customer to switch.

For the kirana stores,there are some positives in this situation. They can sell out to the large retail chains/ become their franchisees or actually stick to providing quality products which would not be easily available at the retail chains ( for example . local spices/ condiments which probably would not be a mass produced item for the retail chains to be interested in them).

In the end, the choice is whether to stick with protectionism and hamper the chances of the Industry growing further. One only has to look at the telecom sector to see the advantages of allowing FDI investment , for the end customer and the government. This may just be the correct moment for influx of funds into the ailing retail sector , which in turn should generate more jobs.

5 ways Kingfisher will change Indian culture

The title of this post was to attract readers of a certain Mr Sainath, in the hope that it will improve the single digit number of readers of this blog. That said , now that you have arrived, I promise no amazing insights but some amazing pics of some very beautiful models somewhere in this post .

Beware for the child does not gently weep

Baby Silencers 

There is no sound as piercing and irritating as a baby wailing. As frequent fliers know , babies are always there to wreck the few moments of sleep one can get.Somehow most flights have children who choose to stay awake and try to imitate Rajdeep Sardesai in full flow. I propose two suggestions for all airlines – a) to highlight locations where babies have already been allotted seats so others can pay more for the privilege of not being seated near them(as shown in the pic above) b) for those who have no option but to sit next to the babies, the company can sell / rent out noise cancellation earphones.

Housie Prizes to be handed over by A K Hangal, oldest surviving winner of Housie

Housie

Most flights have at least half a dozen retired couples and a few joint families on board. For such groups, airlines must introduce Tambola competitions with prizes ranging from Milton waterbottles to Nataraj pencil boxes. People may also play super Dhanalaxmi bumper lottery specials on flights , the rewards of which may be availed in the form of air miles.For these middle aged folks, we can also have periodic Antakshari games with the climax being a rendition of Surangaani (lyrics to be shown on the screen , else people can always say Maalu maalu maalu ) .

Love Seats

Almost all flights (except those going to Tirupati) always have a few lovers or a recently married couple on board. To provide these folks an opportunity to put peanuts in peace, the airline industry can provide special love seats specially designed to allow couples to make out during the flight without some middle aged Mama glaring at them and murmuring “Indecent #kidsthesedays ” .Further, the airline company can make a killing by making the couple pay extra so that the airhostesses do not disturb them during the journey.

I did promise a picture of bootiful models. Ensoi

Two other ideas the airline industry could flirt with is the option of allowing passengers to bid for the option of actually having pretty air-hostesses on their flight. On Air India, this option shall probably be disabled but other airline companies could actually start an auction online so flights can bid for pretty airhostesses for their respective flights. Similarly they could also provide passengers the option of ordering Biryani + Beer as the standard meal instead of the horrible rice + paneer options provided . Kingfisher could wipe out all their debts just by selling beer and their calendars on their flights probably.

Roti Kapda Makaan

A few weeks back, one of my roommates announced he was gonna shift out while the other stated that , much like the film Anand, that ” Woh kuch hi mahino ka mehmaan hai . ” ( victim of a very life threatening  disease called arranged marriage ). The moment we announced this to the cook and cleaner, they wailed with grief as if we were their own kith and kin who had announced that we were going back to the border to fight the Pakistanis. However their grief did not let them forget to demand a sum of money as a parting bonus which matched that of the Investment Bankers on Wall Street. So it was decided that I must once again go on a search like Jason for the Golden fleece.

The first step to finding a flat is searching online. Google, the ever helpful search engine, provides not just information about every location but the one you are searching for but also provides extremely helpful links to ads going as “hot single ladies near kanakapura junction” with the pic of a blond calling herself Sheila. One can also try websites like sulekha or 99 acres. Those usually have some really brilliant postings requesting ” gays for sharing a room ” leaving you uncertain if he is an errant villager who wants to recreate an stable habitat in memory of happier times or a person who is not afraid to proclaim his sexual preferences. Other brilliant phrases used in this real estate business include ” with all amenities ” which means the taps and fans have not been stolen. ” With all facilities” implies he will have cleaned / will clean the room before showing it to you and that the geyser and lights will at least work for a week before conking out. ” Near xyz place ” implies that you will have to walk through a maze of lanes rivaling the ancient Greek mazes to reach a home which probably won’t come up on any map including Google maps.

Once you are done with this ordeal ,one tries the brokers.In Bangalore, the brokers usually react as if they are about to conduct a deal with an Ambani/ Tata and will barely be able to spare you a few minutes later when they have time.  Brokers can be roughly classified into two types -

 The Rajdeep Sardesai variety

This chap will not let you open your mouth before he will have given a description of the house, its history and the no of nails in the doors. Much on the lines of “kindlyreadalldocumentsbeforesigningontheinsuranceform”, he will give a long spiel about the facilities and furnishings and then promptly tell you that already 5 buyers have evinced an interest in the property and he is fighting them off ( aka Will Smith in the final scenes of I am Legend) for our sakes.

A K Hangal Edition

This person will ask for your budget and keep speaking about the old times when there were much fewer people and lesser trouble in finding a place to stay. His irritating comments about the changes are interspiced with questions about which company you work for. If you say “Infosys”, he might reply with ” that same company which runs all those buses on the roads? ” . Most of the time he will reject you before you can reject him, on the basis of your not matching the kind of persons he is looking for.

But much like that last HR interview which wants to check if you are a correct fit for the organization( I have always wondered about that. Do organizations come up with some Body to Mass Ratio to say okk this chap is a fit for this organization. No , this chap is way too “healthy” for our organization and so on) . The final interview with the owners throws up some very interesting questions . I have had owners of houses in Koramangla ask me – ” Are you a Brahmin? ” . To my reply in the affirmative comes the next question – “Do you remember Abhivadhye? Do you do Sandhyavandanam? ” Needless to say, that person was promptly rejected by yours truly. The next house owner did not ask any caste or creed related questions but in a manner very suitable to Big Boss or Kamzor kadi Kaun , asked me the question ” Will you bring gerls inside? ” , giving me this feeling that the previous tenant was a Don Juan who had probably scandalized the owner beyond repair. Other interesting questions I have faced include ” I hope you will cook using oil which will not hurt my nose”, a question which I am sure a lot of scientists would be interested in analyzing and solving. Possibly one of the best questions asked by a flat owner in Koramangala was – “Where do you see yourself in 2 years? “.Instinctively I switched to the standard HR jargon and threw in words like self development and holistic view,following which the dazed owner said “No, I mean will you still be in Bangalore? “

That apart, I must admit that I was lucky enough to find decent accommodation within a few weeks of my search. My new house is somewhat better than my earlier establishment and the combination of easier net access and nearby supermarkets has made it a place where I will probably get lazier. Hopefully the gym located in the complex should help me lose this tyre around my stomach.

Size 7 Please

Bata has decided to launch a new pair of chappals specially designed for throwing at politicians and other folks you are displeased with. After a lot of testing on senior executives and usage of German designed technology, Bata has come up with the perfect missile for your anger – the Anna Hazare Chappal.For every set of chappals sold, Bata has promised to contribute funds to the Anna Hazare camp. However, for chappals thrown at Kiran Bedi, Bata will actually contribute 25 % of the amount as the other 75% has to be paid to Miss Bedi.As with all Bata footwear, the pricepoint of these chappals will be a mere 299.99 INR – 999.99 INR.

The Anna Hazare Sandal - Specially to be thrown at Politicians & Corrupt Officials

In other news, Ra.One producers have got together to now provide a special Ra.None service where in you pay them not to be disturbed by their ads. They have promised to create a Do Not Disturb database much on the lines of the existing database used by the telecom companies and promise that once we pay the amount and register for the Ra.None service, 45 days later we shall get no SMS/phonecalls/ads / requests regarding Ra.One

Last but not the least, after India’s brilliant performance today, England have decided to hire Geoff Boycott’s grandmother as batting coach and Navjot Sidhu as a spiritual advisor. Their belief is that since the team will unite in the effort to kill him, he will promote greater unity amongst the team members who are otherwise worried about catching Delhi Belly or learning Hindi. Last heard, people were also searching for a quote from To

P.S:

I was initially going to write a nostalgic post about Ajay Singh Deol aka Sunny Paaji but this waste fellow @tantanoo beat me to it. So I was searching on a topic to write for this blog, which otherwise gets visitors for search terms such as “karunanidhi funny pics” and ” patel sleeper coach”. That is when a tweet about sandals triggered this post.

Yatriyon kripiya Dhyaan Dijiye

In a flash of brilliance clearly inspired by SRK’s Ra.One or by PonyTail Chowdhury’s latest marketing tome , Yatra.Com has decided to tie up with Baba Ramdev to take advantage of his latest marketing gimmick. In an official announcement , Yatra.Com offered free vouchers worth Rs 2500 for anyone who joined Baba Ramdev on his ongoing Yatra now to be called the Yatra Ramdev Yatra on the lines of Boutros Ghali Boutros  .In the words of their spokesperson “We have often been called the website which outrages everyone by the deals they offer. We thought it best to team up with the only other person who is as outrageous and good at lying as we are”.

This announcement was promptly followed by an announcement by MakeMyTrip.Com who have now tied up with Nigerian drug lords and Fosters  to offer special discounts on Drug deliveries and cheap horrible beer. In their own words , “Since our deals seem like we smoked two joints and then came up with them, we decided to stick to our core competencies and tied up with our suppliers to enable a smooth supply chain and add value at each point of the value chain. We tied up with Fosters because, just like us, only after offering a lot of discounts and blanketing folks with free vouchers/ beer , do people try the product once .Overall, these are a perfect fit .”

Meira Kumar Requesting Readers of the Blog to Baith Jaye please in case you fell on the floor laughing

In other news,the Air India Matrons Association has given the honour of “Chief Honorary Matron” to Lok Sabha Speaker Meira Kumar for her exceptional performance of “Baith Jaiye Please” during recent Lok Sabha Sessions. The Matrons feel that Meira Kumar is an exceptional role model for them all in the fashion in which she cares least about order and decorum but about the health and wellness of her “customers”. The Matrons have also requested that Meira Kumar offer the youth members(i.e those of age less than 60 but more than 45) of the Matrons Association who are still serving , alternate jobs as Lok Sabha Marshals since they can perform their duties with equal aplomb at Parliament with hardly any changes required.

For more posts like this, please read this, this and this

P.S: Special mention of @whinophile who blogs here , for reminding me of Meira Kumar’s Baith Jaiye Please

Baazigar

Yesterday Messi played in Kolkata and I was not able to watch the match in person. It will certainly be a sorrow but as much as missing Messi’s matches, I probably miss watching the interschool football tournaments which used to be held in my childhood and are still a feature of Bengal’s sporting culture.For most Bengalis, a fight over a Derby match would not be considered unusual and the fact that the city came to a standstill almost like a bandh would be considered as natural.

Perhaps one of the most abiding memories of football is a line uttered by a friend in college explaining to a foreign student why our team was fighting it out in the rain and on a muddy field with no chance of victory – ” It is not the fall but the getting back to fight on, which defines football and most sports”. Perhaps the words of Darrell Royal say it best as he , in a letter to his students famously said:”

“Everyone tasted defeat before, there’s no one in this world has not lost before. However, the best players will give everything they’ve got to stand up again. Ordinary players take a while to get back on their feet. While losers will remain flat on the field. Do not be ashamed about being defeated. To be defeated and not stand up is what should be ashamed of. “

 

Our Indian team certainly has no clue of what these words mean, but even more importantly a generation of kids is growing up with no clue of what sports mean. I travel across India and see few grounds left for children to play, few opportunities for kids to hurt themselves and learn that pain is fleeting but that one has to fight through it.These kids don’t even play much sports in college because with the advent of the internet and LAN’s across college campuses in India, college students don’t seem to be playing cricket or football as much as FIFA or FM.

The scariest consequence of this is the fact that most kids seem to regard a loss or defeat as a disastrous event and seem to be scared of defeat. With increasing competition and greater pressure from their parents, this inability to cope with the possibility of failure is leading to higher suicides and greater cases of depression. Maybe what is needed is to force them back into sports to get an inkling of what it is to accept defeat and rise again to beat the odds. After all, Haarke jeetne waale ko Baazigar kehte hain.