Roti Kapda Makaan

A few weeks back, one of my roommates announced he was gonna shift out while the other stated that , much like the film Anand, that ” Woh kuch hi mahino ka mehmaan hai . ” ( victim of a very life threatening  disease called arranged marriage ). The moment we announced this to the cook and cleaner, they wailed with grief as if we were their own kith and kin who had announced that we were going back to the border to fight the Pakistanis. However their grief did not let them forget to demand a sum of money as a parting bonus which matched that of the Investment Bankers on Wall Street. So it was decided that I must once again go on a search like Jason for the Golden fleece.

The first step to finding a flat is searching online. Google, the ever helpful search engine, provides not just information about every location but the one you are searching for but also provides extremely helpful links to ads going as “hot single ladies near kanakapura junction” with the pic of a blond calling herself Sheila. One can also try websites like sulekha or 99 acres. Those usually have some really brilliant postings requesting ” gays for sharing a room ” leaving you uncertain if he is an errant villager who wants to recreate an stable habitat in memory of happier times or a person who is not afraid to proclaim his sexual preferences. Other brilliant phrases used in this real estate business include ” with all amenities ” which means the taps and fans have not been stolen. ” With all facilities” implies he will have cleaned / will clean the room before showing it to you and that the geyser and lights will at least work for a week before conking out. ” Near xyz place ” implies that you will have to walk through a maze of lanes rivaling the ancient Greek mazes to reach a home which probably won’t come up on any map including Google maps.

Once you are done with this ordeal ,one tries the brokers.In Bangalore, the brokers usually react as if they are about to conduct a deal with an Ambani/ Tata and will barely be able to spare you a few minutes later when they have time.  Brokers can be roughly classified into two types -

 The Rajdeep Sardesai variety

This chap will not let you open your mouth before he will have given a description of the house, its history and the no of nails in the doors. Much on the lines of “kindlyreadalldocumentsbeforesigningontheinsuranceform”, he will give a long spiel about the facilities and furnishings and then promptly tell you that already 5 buyers have evinced an interest in the property and he is fighting them off ( aka Will Smith in the final scenes of I am Legend) for our sakes.

A K Hangal Edition

This person will ask for your budget and keep speaking about the old times when there were much fewer people and lesser trouble in finding a place to stay. His irritating comments about the changes are interspiced with questions about which company you work for. If you say “Infosys”, he might reply with ” that same company which runs all those buses on the roads? ” . Most of the time he will reject you before you can reject him, on the basis of your not matching the kind of persons he is looking for.

But much like that last HR interview which wants to check if you are a correct fit for the organization( I have always wondered about that. Do organizations come up with some Body to Mass Ratio to say okk this chap is a fit for this organization. No , this chap is way too “healthy” for our organization and so on) . The final interview with the owners throws up some very interesting questions . I have had owners of houses in Koramangla ask me – ” Are you a Brahmin? ” . To my reply in the affirmative comes the next question – “Do you remember Abhivadhye? Do you do Sandhyavandanam? ” Needless to say, that person was promptly rejected by yours truly. The next house owner did not ask any caste or creed related questions but in a manner very suitable to Big Boss or Kamzor kadi Kaun , asked me the question ” Will you bring gerls inside? ” , giving me this feeling that the previous tenant was a Don Juan who had probably scandalized the owner beyond repair. Other interesting questions I have faced include ” I hope you will cook using oil which will not hurt my nose”, a question which I am sure a lot of scientists would be interested in analyzing and solving. Possibly one of the best questions asked by a flat owner in Koramangala was – “Where do you see yourself in 2 years? “.Instinctively I switched to the standard HR jargon and threw in words like self development and holistic view,following which the dazed owner said “No, I mean will you still be in Bangalore? “

That apart, I must admit that I was lucky enough to find decent accommodation within a few weeks of my search. My new house is somewhat better than my earlier establishment and the combination of easier net access and nearby supermarkets has made it a place where I will probably get lazier. Hopefully the gym located in the complex should help me lose this tyre around my stomach.

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